


Your Pain Won't Ever Be Love

by Buhneebaby



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: First Time, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Frottage, Getting Together, Hand Jobs, Idiots in Love, M/M, Torture, Underage Drinking, Violence, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:22:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27152410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Buhneebaby/pseuds/Buhneebaby
Summary: Exploring the friendship between Feitan and Phinks.
Relationships: Feitan/Phinks (Hunter X Hunter), Feitan/Phinx
Comments: 9
Kudos: 74





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> I don't have a beta, so please forgive any mistakes. ♡

Feitan sat primly on the balcony ledge, looking out at the city lights beneath him. Rain was falling gently, reflecting light off the wet streets and filling his chest with something that he might have called comfort, if he’d had anything to compare it to. But it wasn’t a feeling he was too familiar with, so he swung his feet and sighed dreamily, wishing for a warm bowl of soup or a big piece of bread to fill his grumbly stomach.

He clung to times like this with desperate fingers, as they were so few and far between. His life was not an easy one. It was filled with uncertainty, uncertainty was the word that applied to every single aspect. Uncertainty as to when he would get another meal. Uncertainty as to where he would sleep that night.. He’d been dealt a sorry hand in life, it was unfortunate but true. He was far from the only one who had been forced to grow up wild and desperate in Meteor City, doing little more than surviving. He thought himself lucky to have grown up at all, at least to this point of what he thought must be around 12 or 13 years old. It was hard to remember… hard to keep count of his age when he was unsure of exactly when he was born. He’d never known his parents, or any grown-up who could fill that role for him. His whole life, he’d only known one person who had never wished him harm, who had never aimed to use or sell or manipulate him.

And that was Chrollo.

Chrollo was older, bigger, smarter, and Feitan trusted him entirely. In fact, he could say his very survival was due to Chrollo. As he had toddled in the filth of Meteor City, alone and hungry, the slightly older boy had taken him in. Taught him to scavenge and hunt, taught him to steal and to fight. He’d protected him and saved his life multiple times, and to him Feitan was loyal. He’d even given him what little education he had, helped him learn to speak and write, although his speech was still fragmented. He was unsure of where he’d come from, where his mother language originated, who his real family was, but of one thing he was certain: Chrollo became the default answer to every origin question he had of himself. Chrollo was the end all and be all, and he was all Feitan knew outside of himself.

He grew alert to a rummaging behind him and looked over his shoulder to see Chrollo returning to the abandoned loft they called home tonight. Feitan’s nose perked at the smell of food. He swung his legs over the ledge and came to greet the other boy, who was wet but smiling.

Chrollo slicked his damp hair out of his face and lit a few candles. They sat across from one another and Feitan bounced happily, accepting his chunk of bread and portion of beef scraps. It was the fatty part of the beef, his favorite. They didn’t talk as they ate, merely nodding in appreciation of the meal.

Feitan was just beginning to feel his mouth get dry from all the bread, and wishing for something to drink when Chrollo reached behind himself in the dark and pulled out a glass bottle.

“A special treat,” he said, smiling warmly. “I snatched it right off a table where a couple was dining. They didn’t even notice me. They seemed really… in love.” He pushed his hair out of his face again. “So I think that it’ll taste really good, right? People who are in love should drink the best wine.”

“Wine,” Feitan said roughly, as though tasting the word. He took the bottle from Chrollo’s hand and sniffed the open top. It smelled sour and strange, but Chrollo was still watching him with that slight smile, and he didn’t want to disappoint him, and he was also still very thirsty, so he took a big swig of it.

The taste was not as bad as the smell, but it reminded him somehow of poison. Something about the pungence and sourness, and it left a slight burn in the back of his throat. He smacked his lips and shrugged, handing the bottle to Chrollo so that he could form a better opinion, after hearing what the other boy had to say of it.

“Well?” Chrollo leaned forward a bit. “What do you think? Does it taste like love?”

“Uhh…” A part of Feitan wanted to laugh at the absurd question, but he didn’t. Instead, he said, “Poison love.”

Chrollo did laugh at that and took a drink himself. He nodded, then. “You’re right. I wonder what love would taste like if it was not poison.”

Feitan spouted the first thing that came to his mind, which was, “Apple juice!” It was his favorite, and he felt sure if love did have a flavor, it would be fresh and crisp like that.

Chrollo laughed harder and stood up, walking out to the balcony where Feitan followed him. “That makes sense, doesn’t it? Wine is fruit that has been fermented, which is what gives it this sour flavor. Fresh, unfermented apple juice is probably closer to the real flavor.”

Still feeling that the conversation was absurd, Feitan let one side of his mouth quirk up in a half smile. He didn’t have the predisposition to humor and conversation that Chrollo had, and certainly wasn’t the type to be so thoughtful and introspective. Chrollo waxed philosophical very often though, and he did enjoy listening to his ramblings, even when they were as odd as the similarities between good love and apple juice.

They both resumed Feitan’s earlier position on the balcony ledge, silently sharing the wine between them. The rain began to fall harder as a storm moved in, with the wind picking up speed and gentle rumbles of thunder sounding nearer than before. 

After a while, Feitan was feeling heavy-eyed and strange. He glanced at his friend, wondering if he was feeling similar. But Chrollo wasn’t paying attention to him, instead focused on the street below them. Feitan followed his gaze and spied a couple in an alleyway off to the side. They were embracing each other, kissing fervently.

A blush danced high on Feitan’s already flushed cheeks and he looked away, feeling guilty.

“Watch them,” Chrollo whispered suddenly, and Feitan’s head jerked back to the scene without any real thought, mindlessly obeying Chrollo’s command.

The man had pressed the woman against the wall, one hand cradling the back of her head as they kissed, the other hand pushing underneath her dress. She wrapped a leg around his waist and Feitan’s eyes widened. From their high angle, he could see everything. Could see the woman fumbling with the man’s pants zipper, and then the way their bodies slotted perfectly together.

“They’re making love,” Chrollo sighed sadly, and Feitan didn’t understand anything that was happening, but he knew he felt very overheated and slightly light-headed. Awkwardly, without as much coordination as he normally had, he stumbled back off the ledge and into the room. His heart was beating fast and his pants were tight and uncomfortable. He felt more sure than before that the wine was poison.

Chrollo didn’t follow him. It didn’t take long for Feitan to fall asleep after he’d sat and leaned his head against the wall.

___

Somehow, they always came back to Meteor City. No matter how far they traveled or what riches they found, they always came back to the only place they knew of as home. For Feitan, home felt like much more of a person than a place, and he knew he would follow Chrollo to the ends of the world if it was asked of him.

Chrollo had a way about him that made him easy to listen to, easy to be around. He was kind and thoughtful and selfless. It was what made Feitan feel ready to drop everything for him, to willingly serve. And it wasn’t long before Chrollo’s acts of kindness were extended to a choice other few people, and they found their makeshift family growing.

One evening, Feitan was dozing next to the bonfire they were camped around when Chrollo approached him accompanied by an imposing-looking young man. Feitan looked from Chrollo to the newcomer, then back, expressionlessly.

“Fei,” began Chrollo with his trademark smile, “I want to introduce you to Phinks. He’s the newest member of our Phantom Troupe.”

Phinks was very tall. Not as tall as Uvogin of course, but easily a foot taller than Feitan. He had a muscular, powerful look and, most interesting to Feitan, yellow hair. Feitan got to his feet and stood in front of the two men, raising his eyes to meet the dark, suspicious eyes of Phinks. They regarded each other silently for a moment before Chrollo laughed, breaking the tension, and clapped them each on the back.

“Get to know each other! Fei is my oldest, most trusted friend, so I’d like you to keep close to him and learn all that he can teach you.” Chrollo then said to Feitan, “Isn’t it wonderful? We weren’t given a family of our own, so we have the opportunity to create one that is perfect for us.”

Unsure, Feitan forced a small smile and nodded at his leader. “Good friends greater than family.” He offered his hand to Phinks, who grasped it. Neither commented on their size difference. “Name Feitan. We will be good friends.”

Finally, Phinks allowed a smile to slip through his stony expression. “I know we will be.”

Feitan and Phinks settled back by the fire while Chrollo went to speak with the other Troupe members. It was a chilly night and the warmth was appreciated by both boys as they eyed each other with veiled curiosity.

"Your hair is not black," said Feitan finally. He admittedly wasn't the best conversationalist, but he found himself interested enough in Phinks to try.

Phinks absent-mindedly combed a hand through his hair. "Yeah, huh. I'm a natural blond."

"Natural?" Feitan didn't understand.

"Sometimes people dye their hair so it looks different than what they were born with. A lot of people like blond hair so they dye it, but mine is natural."

"Ah… it is the hair you are born with. Yellow." Nodding finally, Feitan scooted closer to the other boy to get a better look at him. "Mine is black. Natural." He gave a crooked smile, somehow feeling at ease already with this new person.

Phinks laughed, a loud, sudden sound that both slightly startled and inspired Feitan to laugh a little himself.

After a long moment, Phinks asked, "So what do you like to do?"

And it took Feitan a little by surprise, to be asked about himself. He didn't talk much generally, mostly because he was a little self-conscious about his speech, and also because people rarely bothered to try to talk to him. He had what Chrollo had playfully told him once, an 'unapproachable look' which suited him just fine. He looked that way because he was that way, and he much preferred just being left alone, unless he was called on to do a job. So now he found himself shyly looking at his hands and trying to remember who he was as a person and what he liked to do.

"Am interrogator," he said finally with a twinge of pride, remembering when Chrollo had given him the title. "Like to hurt people... good at hurting people." He thought for a moment and then continued, "I like to fight and to train, to be strong. I like to eat good food… heh, hard to say… I don't think what I like much, just what I don't like." He was hit with a wave of self-consciousness suddenly. “My talk… sorry my talk is not good.”

But Phinks shook his head. “I understand you perfectly, it’s no big deal! Anyway so, an interrogator, huh? You’ve had a lot of practice?”

Feitan’s eyes lit up happily at the topic. “Yes. Very good at job, very lot of practice.” He scooched even closer to Phinks now, until their legs were nearly touching. He rolled up one of his long sleeves to show his hand. “See, look...” and made his hand into a claw. His nails extended and became razor-sharp, the veins in his hand bulging menacingly. He grinned at Phinks, whose expression was both immensely impressed, and also slightly terrified.

Unable to help himself, Phinks reached out and touched his hand, ran his fingertips along the sharp nails. As slight as his touch was, blood still welled to the surface of his fingers. “That’s incredible! How do you even… how do you make it do that?”

Feitan, not particularly socialized or understanding of personal space and boundaries, relaxed the muscles in his hand to return to normal and brought Phinks injured fingers to his mouth, where he licked the blood clean. The blond sucked in a sharp breath, his eyes widely watching Feitan’s little tongue cleaning his wounds. His expression was the same as before, fear and awe. Feitan released his hand after what felt like an eternity and grinned at him. “Oh, easy! Just to flex muscle.” He did it again slowly, claws coming out, then retracting again.

Phinks tried to do it himself since it did look easy. But there had to be something more to it than just that because nothing happened aside from his knuckles popping.

“Take practice, lots of strength.” Feitan was preening on the inside, glad that he could be impressive to someone. They were quiet for a while, both playing with their own hands, Phinks replaying the odd act of Feitan licking his fingers in his mind over and over again, wondering if he was the one with the wrong idea about personal space. Maybe being this close to a stranger was perfectly normal, maybe touching and licking was what everyone else did from the moment they met someone, and he was the weird one who kept to himself too much.

Feitan was thinking no such deep thoughts, he was mostly still high on the good feeling of showing off and being admired. When he finally glanced up at Phinks again, his attention was drawn to the jarring yellow hair and the way the firelight shone off it.

Feitan tilted his head curiously. “Your hair… I can touch?” His hand was already reaching out and hovering, even without permission.

“Err…” but it was too late. Feitan had his hand buried in Phinks’ hair, fingers running through, pressing slightly into his scalp. Phinks’ mouth dropped open, again startled by the straightforwardness of his new friend.

Feitan was concentrating on the texture, it was so different from his own hair. Instead of straight and wirey, Phinks’ hair was thick and voluminous. And it wasn’t greasy, even though he could feel the stiffness of a gel giving way to his fingers. So much for the style, Phinks thought, but it was a faraway and unimportant, barely registered thought.

From several yards away, Chrollo glanced toward the fire to see Feitan nearly sitting in Phinks’ lap with his hands playing in his hair, and couldn’t stop his eyebrow from raising with interest. It was rare to see Feitan so open and touchy with a stranger, or even a friend, but he was glad to see it. Truthfully, he had spared some worry to his introverted friend, who preferred being alone above all else. He smiled to himself. He’d known there was something special about Phinks from the moment they’d met, and he was beginning to see that his intuition had again been correct.

Meanwhile, Phinks was blushing. He wasn’t used to being touched, and certainly not in the insistent way Feitan’s fingertips were rubbing against his head. He let out his breath he hadn’t meant to be holding, all in a rush, and Feitan noticed.

“Hurt you?” he asked, pulling away slightly.

“N-no!” Phinks cleared his throat and shook his head. “No, not at all, it felt good.”

“Good?” Again, Feitan tilted his head. Phinks’ hair was an unkempt mess now, all the hold of his gel entirely gone. But it didn’t look bad. It was very soft now. Feitan returned to touching it, motivated by the idea that he could make someone feel good. No one had ever told him that before. In fact, until that exact moment, he had been unsure if he could ever do anything to anyone that could make them feel good. His touch only ever brought pain and fear and screaming.

“Not used to good.” he mumbled quietly, mostly to himself, but Phinks nodded and agreed, “Yeah, me too.”

Their eyes met and Feitan smiled a little, then pulled back so only their legs were still touching. “What you like then, Phinks? Aside from head rub?” His smile turned into a playful grin, especially big when he noticed Phinks blush and look away.

“You know, you’re right. That’s a hard question when it feels like I don’t like much!” He laughed that loud, startling laugh again that made Feitan laugh, too. “I guess I like jewelry, is that weird? I mean actual jewels. And gold. Treasure, you know what I mean? And fighting too, of course. Chrollo was saying maybe you could train me, er that we could train together?”

Feitan nodded happily. “Yes, will train each other.”

“Maybe you can teach me about how to interrogate someone. I don’t think I have the patience for it. I’d probably kill them by accident before they told me anything!”

“Yes,” Feitan said, serious now. “Takes patience… much patience. Must go slow. Take time to let the pain do the work. Then they talk. Then I kill.”

It was clear he took his job very seriously. “Hmm, well at least you get the satisfaction of killing them when you’re done, right? Makes it worth the wait. Kinda like a tease up to the main event.”

“A tease…?” Feitan wasn’t familiar with the word. “What is a tease?”

“Uhh… heh. I guess a tease is like, you know when you’re really hungry and you see someone eating food right in front of you? Only they’re doing it on purpose because they know you’re hungry.”

“Oh! I do this! Did not know the word.”

“When do you tease?” The question was out before Phinks had a chance to wonder if he really needed to know the answer.

“When torture! Food, water. Freedom. Release rope. All what they want, I say will get, but they don’t get.”

“Ah, haha. Yeah, that’s exactly what it is to tease someone. Then you have to think about how good it would be if they actually did get what you promised them. It would probably be even better. Like satisfying.” Phinks felt like he was talking too much, or like the conversation was taking a weird turn. But Feitan was sitting up with excitement, obviously enjoying himself. Maybe it was fine?

“Satisfying,” Feitan said slowly, familiarizing himself with the word. “Satisfying, yes. Like to beg for death, then I kill? Satisfying?”

“Err… yeah, like that, too.” Phinks laughed a little nervously. “Maybe more like having a drink when you’re thirsty, though. I think if someone has been begging for death and then you kill them, that’s more like mercy to them than a satisfaction.”

Feitan’s eyebrows scrunched together. “You talk like Chrollo.” He waved his hand dismissively. “If you ask and I give, that is satisfying!”

“Okay, okay,” Phinks laughed and conceded the point.

It was around that time that Uvogin began preparing a deer he had caught for their dinner. Feitan stoked the fire so that it would be ready for when the deer was gutted and skinned.

The Troupe - which consisted now of Chrollo, Feitan, Phinks, Uvogin who was a massive fun-loving bear of a man, Machi who was a petite and pink-haired healer, Pakunoda who was quiet and serious and could read minds, Franklin who was a hulking man built like a barrel who rarely interacted with anyone, and last but not least, a straight-faced eastern warrior named Nobunaga - all gathered around the fire to share their meal. There was playful banter that led to heated debates that ended with a wrestling match between Nobunaga and Uvo, while the others went off to play a game of cards.

Feitan’s belly was full of deer meat and apple juice (Paku had slipped the carton into his hand with a small smile, enjoying his flustered thank yous) and he was looking around for a comfortable place to sleep. It was getting cold so he wrapped a wool blanket around himself and shuffled over to a big tree that had roots jutting from the ground. They were smooth and low enough to maybe serve as a pillow. He curled into a ball on his side and tried to warm himself up.

He heard someone grunt beside him and raised his head, hair wildly sticking up. It was Phinks, trying to lay his head on one of the tree roots and finding it unacceptably uncomfortable.

He gave Feitan a dubious look. "How, though?"

With a sigh, Feitan patted his hands on his belly. "Can use me. Good pillow."

Phinks didn't look quite convinced with the invitation, but Feitan seemed serious enough. He crawled closer and stretched out beside him, awkwardly lowering his head to Feitan's chest and stomach area. He wasn't sure where it was more comfortable, it was all still pretty hard. He rolled to his side, feeling the pull of sleep, and thoughtlessly burrowed his face down against Feitan's lower belly. His nose dug in slightly near his navel and Feitan stifled a ticklish laugh, swallowing the sound and gazing down at his new friend with a funny expression on his face. Only Chrollo noticed the two of them in the cradle of tree roots, cuddled together like puppies for warmth and comfort.

"Hmm…" Feitan sighed, finally letting his droopy eyes slip shut. His hands came to rest gently on Phinks' head.

Chrollo sighed as well, heat blooming in his heart as he thought happily to himself, 'A family of my very own.'


	2. Chapter Two

Something about their personalities meshed in a perfect way that made it seem as though they'd been friends their entire lives. After that first night, their attachment was obvious to them both, but neither felt the need to ever address it. It just was. As opposite as they were - light and dark, big and small, loud and quiet- somehow they complemented each other just right.

As strongly as Feitan felt for Chrollo, his feelings had shifted to devotion to a leader, not so much fondness for a friend. He hovered somewhere around hero worship, even. Because Chrollo was all that was right and good in the world, he was not a pal to joke around with and have fun. He was the leader, and he wasn't only leading Feitan anymore; he had an ever-growing group to attend to. Before, Feitan might have felt a pang of jealousy for the divided attention, but with his friendship with Phinks, he felt that things were perfect as they were. And even that Phinks had been a gift from Chrollo himself, a reward for his loyalty. And maybe that was true because sometimes Chrollo looked at the two of them talking and laughing and felt immense satisfaction that he had been responsible for the friendship.

When the group disbanded to work on separate projects, mainly to focus on individual training and to seek out personal missions, Feitan found himself with nowhere particular to go. Chrollo made it clear that they should all separate for a time, and he agreed with the sentiment, always having preferred being alone anyway. But it would be the first time in his life he'd be away from Chrollo for more than a few nights. And his idea of being alone somehow always included Chrollo off to the side of the picture, just out of frame.

So the Troupe went their own ways, and Feitan watched everyone leave their makeshift hideout until only he and Phinks remained.

"Where you go?" He asked Phinks, unable to keep a twinge of sadness out of his voice.

Phinks looked slightly startled at the question and rubbed the back of his neck. "Oh uh, I don't know. I don't really have anywhere to go so… I mean, what about you?"

"Same. No place to go, no one to see." He looked up to meet the man's eyes and raised his brows in question. "Want to stay with me?"

Phinks barked a loud laugh that sounded much more like a relieved sigh. "Yeah, ah… yeah I really do."

Relief also washed over Feitan and he grinned. "You stay then. We train, get strong." He looked around the abandoned factory that had been their home for the last few months and wrinkled his nose. "Redecorate."

Redecorating turned out to be a lot of fun for them both, as they had secret interests the rest of the Troupe hadn't been aware of. Phinks was practically obsessed with ancient Egypt and had a small collection of trinkets, including his prized possession: a golden necklace of the eye of Horus, studded with jewels and worth millions of jenny. Feitan, unsurprisingly, had amassed an impressive selection of torture devices and bondage equipment. He had a deep appreciation of art, as well, though not the tasteful high brow kind. The art he collected was bloody, overtly sexual, and almost always had to do with death.

Their styles clashed marvelously and they both loved the new look of their home.

One evening, Feitan was curled up in a musty but comfortable old armchair he'd found a while back, flipping through one of the newer art books he'd stolen, when his ears perked to the sound of Phinks coming home. He raised his head to see the blond setting several bags on the table.

Phinks turned to him with a big grin. "Today is a special day! So I got us something special to celebrate!"

Narrowing his eyes, trying to think, Feitan couldn't remember what day it could be. Finally he muttered, "What day?"

"It's the day we first met! An entire year ago, isn't that crazy? I thought, since we don't know our birthdays or anything, we could celebrate today instead." He rummaged through the bags and brought out a smaller bag of cookies, and also a bottle of dark liquid, and another box of chocolate.

"You… bought?" Feitan rose from his seat to come inspect the treats with interest.

Phinks scoffed. "Hell no! I stole it all. What do I look like to you, a good guy?"

Fei smirked a little, "Very no." He reached for a chocolate and popped it in his mouth, then grinned big. "Good! Mmm, my favorite!"

"What flavor is that?" Phinks was digging into the bag of cookies.

Smacking loudly on the candy, Feitan reached for the drink bottle. "Berry. Red berry." He uncorked the bottle and sniffed it, eyes widening as a feeling he couldn't identify shot through his chest. He remembered this smell. He was suddenly transported back to the rainy night Chrollo had given him wine, his own ‘special treat.’ Deja vu. Nostalgia. He didn’t know the words for what he was feeling, but it was powerful. His eyebrows knit together and he took a little taste.

"Strawberry?" asked Phinks, but Feitan had instantly started coughing at the taste of the liquid that felt like fire clawing its way down his throat. Eyes watering, he looked at the bottle. It wasn't wine. "What-" he gasped, still coughing. "What is it?"

"Oh, haha it's whiskey! Sorry, I guess I should have warned you."

Nostalgia was simmering in Feitan’s belly, hot and heavy like the alcohol. Poison love, he remembered. Somehow though, he found that the taste went remarkably well with the chocolate. So he took a bite of chocolate, and a sip of whiskey, and hummed happily at the flavors together.

"Phinks," he said suddenly, startling the other boy to jump slightly and drop one of his cookies, "Thank you. Day is special. Sorry I did not know."

"Hey, no big deal! Don't think anything of it, I just thought it might be nice to have a special day. I've never really… I mean, well, you know how it is not having anything to celebrate. And I never had another person to celebrate anything with anyway, so... Anyway, how's the booze?"

Feitan offered him the bottle, still feeling the fire burning in his throat and belly. "I like it. A lot like it."

Phinks took a swig and let out a yell, "Hoo yeah! That's the stuff, haha!" He gathered the treats and Feitan followed him over to the Papasan couch, where they both sat. The bamboo stand was cracked and peeling and the cushion was worn with holes, but it remained a perfectly comfortable spot to share their snacks.

When the cookies and chocolates were gone, only the whiskey remained between them. They shared it in comfortable silence. Feitan was feeling decidedly strange again, just like the last time he’d had alcohol, and he touched his own face curiously. It was hot to his touch, but also numb.

He looked at Phinks, who had his arms up behind his head, reclining against the side of the couch, legs spread comfortably to either side of Feitan. The couch had shifted on its stand slightly, not so tilted anymore and instead more like a nest. Feitan stared at him, fingers twitching. His eyes wandered down his friend’s body, landing at where the shirt was riding up a little on the sides. He leaned forward, as though drawn closer by the sight.

Phinks’ eyes cracked open when he felt the weight of Fei’s stare. He jumped a little, not having expected the other boy to be as close or as intense as he was. “H-hey! Hey, what’s wrong?”

Finally blinking, Feitan scrunched his eyebrows. “Don’t know. Feel funny.”

“Ha ha funny, or…?”

“No. Don’t know.” Feeling a bit dizzy, he scooted a little closer to Phinks. “Sometimes when I drink poison love water, feel this way.”

Now Phinks was confused. “Poison… love water? Do you mean the whiskey? Haha, why do you call it that?”

There was that feeling again, that warmth in his belly and tightness in his chest. “Boss, long time ago. Gave me wine. He stole from couple and said, they in love so wine taste is good. But taste was bad.” He shook his head, quite a bit dizzy now. “Made me feel funny, too. Hard to say…” He reached forward and touched his hand gently to Phinks’ crotch. “Funny here.”

Phinks’ thighs fell open a little more, automatically, at the hesitant touch, even while he stammered nonsense. “Fei, that… uh…” But Feitan had already withdrawn his hand and downcast his eyes shyly. Clearing his throat, loud and awkward, Phinks tried to recompose himself. “I think, I think that is a normal reaction to alcohol. Nothing to worry about! Happens to me too sometimes, haha, it’s no big deal.”

“Really?” Fei raised his eyes again, smiling a little now.

“Yeah, sure.” Phinks let out a small sigh of relief to have avoided such a potentially uncomfortable situation. But now he was curious. “What uh… what do you know about love, anyway?”

Feitan shrugged. “Nothing. Boss tried to tell me, but his talk… I don’t understand. He showed me, said this is making love. Is it the same thing?” He took a long swig of the whiskey, that was going down very easy and smooth now. “Boss likes watching people do that.” He giggled a little. “Not me, very much. Feel… like I want more than to watch sometimes.”

“Huh.” Nodding, assaulted with way too much information for such a short period of time, Phinks tried to focus. “How did he show you? Did he… did he do it to you?”

Feitan looked up sharply. “No! No, we look at other people.”

“Oh. Okay.” Somehow, Phinks felt a little more at ease knowing that Chrollo hadn’t been intimate with Feitan. Feitan trusted Chrollo completely, Phinks knew that very well, and just the idea that someone could take advantage of that trust, abuse that power he had over him, it would have rubbed him the wrong way. But thankfully it hadn’t happened that way. Chrollo had played the role of an older brother and tried to help Fei understand how people worked. It was clear that there was still a lot left to be learned, though.

Phinks gaze dropped to where Fei was squeezing his legs together. “Are you… are you still feeling funny there?”

“Mmhmm.” Feitan was blushing.

“How do you usually make it go away?” Phinks’ voice had gotten deeper, rougher sounding. Maybe it was the whiskey burning his throat. He found himself moving his legs apart a little more so that Feitan could slip closer. Fei was sitting with his feet tucked underneath him, effectively kneeling between the blond’s legs. The intimate position wasn’t lost on Phinks, who felt himself growing hard in his track pants.

“Goes away by itself.”

“It does, huh? How?”

Feitan gasped when Phinks put his hand on his knee, pulling his legs open from where he’d been absentmindedly rubbing them together. “I… I do other things. Forget about it. It goes away.”

“Have you ever made it go away yourself?” Phinks’ heart was racing. He felt light-headed and uncharacteristically bold. His hand ran slowly up Feitan’s thigh. The other boy was panting quietly, his mouth open.

Fei whispered, “No.”

Phinks pressed his thumb against the bulge in Fei’s pants. Fei’s eyebrows were drawn down tight in a look of concern, or confusion; Phinks couldn’t tell. He rubbed his thumb in a slow circle and said roughly, “I can show you how, if you want.”

Chewing his bottom lip, Feitan nodded his head. “I want.”

Phinks leaned back a little and got comfortable, sliding down so he could recline back. He pulled Feitan up so the smaller boy was sitting on his lap facing him. Phinks pushed his track pants down enough to pull his erection free.

Feitan was wiggling again, his slight weight spurring on the blond’s arousal.

“So what you do is, spit in your hand first.” He demonstrated, feeling hot under Fei’s intense stare. “Then you slick it up your uh, your cock.”

“Cock,” repeated Feitan quietly to himself, familiarizing himself with the new word.

“It’s important to make sure it’s slippery. You don’t want it to hurt.” Phinks ran his hand over himself slowly, feeling very excited already. He’d never done this with someone before. “If you want, you can… you can try it.”

Feitan paused for a brief moment, as if considering the offer. Then he reached out to touch Phinks’ cock.

“I - no, I mean y-your, on your own… F-Fei, oh my god…” That small, cold hand was wrapped around his erection now, having completely misunderstood what Phinks had been trying to direct him to do. The blond’s hand fell away.

“Oh!” Feitan gasped suddenly, pulling back. “Forgot. Sorry.” He spit in his hand and reached out again.

Phinks head was thrown back, eyes shut tight, while Feitan slowly, experimentally pumped his hand up and down his dick. “It’s so big,” Fei murmured. “Feels good?”

“Yeah… yeah feels good. Just keep doing that.” He grunted softly when he felt Feitan use his other hand to fully wrap around his cock, and began stroking it that way with both hands together. ‘He’s so small, oh my god,’ he thought frantically, and couldn’t help but look down at what Feitan was doing to him. Fei was pressed very close now, his hips rocking absently against nothing, seeking some kind of friction, but he was sitting too high up. He was focusing intently on how he was stroking Phinks, trying to mimic what he’d been shown.

“Fei…” An almost pained moan came out of his mouth, and Feitan was immediately alert to it because it sounded like the noises he heard sometimes when he was interrogating. “That feels… feels so good. Don’t stop…”

Feitan saw that Phinks’ cock was leaking a little, and he said quietly, “What happens if I stop?”

“Don’t, don’t, please!” His hips arched desperately with the fear that the touch would go away.

Feitan was chewing his bottom lip, a devious little smirk on his mouth. “Please what?”

“Please, Fei, don’t stop touching me! Please, please.”

Feitan sped his hands a little. “I like how you sound right now. Never hear you like this.” Faster. Faster. Phinks was moaning nonsensical things, thrashing about, hands clutching at the couch cushion. He was close, he could feel his muscles tensing.

“Ffffffuhhh-fuck! Oh fuck…” Phinks threw his arm over his face and gasped, hips arching high, nearly bucking Feitan off as he came harder than he’d ever come before in his life. It spurted over a surprised Feitan’s hands, who had not necessarily been expecting so much yelling or convulsing. Phinks’ entire body relaxed back, slack, chest still heaving as he tried to recover his senses.

Feitan was looking at his wet hands, the throbbing of his erection too much to ignore now. He slipped his pants down and sighed quietly, taking hold of himself.

As satisfied and mush-brained as Phinks felt, he couldn’t stop himself from opening his eyes to watch. Feitan had his head tipped back, throat bared, adam’s apple bobbing erratically as he rocked his hips against his hand. His face was flushed. ‘How is he so beautiful?’ Phinks thought desperately, feeling his spent dick twitch with interest.

Feitan’s cock was perfectly suited to him: proportionately petite and slender and pale, the cherry red head swollen and peeking from beneath the foreskin as Fei stroked back and forth. His eyes were screwed up tight, intensely focused on his pleasure.

Phinks reached his hands out to run up Fei’s quivering thighs, then gently dug his fingers into his hips and pulled him a little bit closer. Fei made a tiny squeaking sound, the kind of sound a mouse makes when the trap closes on its throat. Encouraged by the noise, Phinks pulled Feitan down so that the other’s cock was pressed against his lower belly. Still grasping his hips, Phinks moved Fei against him in a rhythm that felt almost like they were fucking. Feitan was gasping and letting out the tiniest cries. His hands had come to clutch at Phinks’ shoulders, fingertips digging in, leaving deep crescent marks in the flushed skin. The blond yanked him down close and bit at his throat, sucking at the rapid heartbeat there, and suddenly Feitan let out a high-pitched whine and trembled, his hips stuttering forward and then growing entirely still.

Feitan fell bonelessly against Phinks’ chest and didn’t move. They were a mess. The couch was likely ruined. Phinks’ eyes rolled to the bust of Nefertiti staring blindly at them from the table, and he wondered vaguely just how everything had managed to go so irreparably wrong. He looked down at Feitan, who had fallen asleep almost instantly. Their come was cooling and getting sticky and uncomfortable, and as much as he hated to admit it, he knew he’d have to dislodge the boy laying so sweetly against him so that he could get them both washed.

Fei didn't wake up when he moved him. He wiped them both clean with a warm washrag and dragged a hand down his face, having sobered up very fast after his orgasm. He looked down at his friend, who still slept curled up and snoring quietly, and he silently prayed that what they had done wouldn't change anything between them. He hoped Feitan wouldn't feel weird. Or even worse - taken advantage of.

'Oh god, didn’t I though?!' Phinks felt a wave of panic slowly rising. Had they been that drunk? He didn't think so. Was Fei passed out from being drunk or from the fulfillment of his first real sexual experience? He began pacing, trying to think of what to do.

In the end, he didn't do anything. And when Feitan woke up, life resumed as though nothing out of the ordinary had ever happened.


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a lot of violence in this chapter.

Feitan enjoyed reading books, a lot. It was a more recent interest of his that he had been indulging in more and more, so much so that Phinks had brought home a black wooden bookshelf he’d acquired one day. “Yeah haha, just kind of randomly saw it and thought you could use it,” he’d lied, rubbing the back of his neck, knowing full well he’d gone out of his way to find such a piece for his friend.

And Feitan’s dark eyes had lit up while he watched Phinks position the shelf near what they both thought of as Feitan’s corner. It’s where he had his beanbag chair and his collection of books were stacked in neat little piles against the wall. There was a small shelf with a lamp and several empty cartons of apple juice on top.

Phinks turned around to see what his friend thought of the placement, but Fei was already standing right behind him. He hadn’t even heard him move! Fei gave him a quick hug, face pressed to his chest and whispered, “Thank you,” directly into his sternum before he pulled away and dropped to the floor to organize his books onto the new shelf.

Reeling a little from the sudden affection, Phinks just smiled and shook his head and went to sit in his chair.

Meanwhile, Feitan was kneeling on the floor, chest tight with emotion. It was a thoughtful gift. It wasn’t that they didn’t often do things with the other in mind, but every so often… very rarely, really, but sometimes Fei would feel almost staggered with the feeling of happy. He tried not to indulge himself in the feeling too often, for fear of growing soft. But this was one of those times that he allowed himself to feel it fully.

They went out later that evening for barbeque, dining and dashing and then looking for trouble because Feitan was bored and felt like he wanted to hurt someone.

It didn’t take long for a group of thugs to notice him. He was so small, hardly five feet tall even in boots, and dressed in his high-collared poncho, so it was easy to see why he might be targeted for a potential mugging. Phinks was walking far enough behind him that they didn’t appear to be together. It had been Feitan’s idea.

“Hey pipsqueak!” a burly man in torn jeans and a muscle shirt came to stand in front of Feitan, who stopped walking and silently regarded him. “You got some money hidden in that pretty dress?”

Fei raised his eyebrow. “You blind? This is a jacket.”

“What’d you say, punk?!” Three men surrounded Feitan, whose eyes squinted in delight.

“How you rip pants? Get on knees to suck cock?”

The man who’d been doing all the talking so far let out an angry bellow and swung his fist at Feitan’s face. The boy dodged effortlessly, grin hidden by his scarf. Another guy charged at him and Fei stepped to the side in an instant, laughing out loud when the two men collided with each other.

“Slow and stupid. Tch, thought this would be challenge.” He rolled his eyes and pulled his sword from the handle of the umbrella he was carrying.

The man with the ripped jeans laughed. “Oh is that how you want to play? Little boys shouldn’t play with knives, didn’t your mother ever tell you that?”

“She’s the reason I know.” Fei knew from the moment the men approached him that they were hardly worth messing around with. They were common thugs, no real fighting ability except to overpower and sloppily brawl. Not worth his time, he decided, slashing his sword through one of the men clamoring directly behind him. He darted to the side, cleanly decapitating another, then forward, piercing the heart of the third. Eyes glinting dangerously, he gave his sword a hard downward shake, effectively cleaning it of blood. He then regarded the leader of the group again, fingers twitching with the need he felt to do some real damage.

Ripped Jeans was staring at his fallen friends with wide eyes, brain working to process what he had just witnessed. They had all just been standing there… They were just there five seconds ago. Feitan gave him time, returning his sword to its sheath very slowly before he began walking toward the other man.

The thug’s attention snapped back to Feitan, who was approaching casually. “Stay away from me, you little freak! You fucking psycho!” He stumbled backward, trying to create distance between them, but only managing to trip and fall on his behind.

“What’s wrong?” asked the noirette with a small laugh as he stood over him. “Don’t want money now?”

“Just leave me alone! Get away from me!”

“Hmm…” Fei came to crouch over the man, who had angry, frightened tears in his eyes now.

“Don’t hurt me,” whispered the brute, and Feitan smiled almost gently at him.

“Maybe you should be stronger.” He reached his clawed hand out, dragging his fingernails down the length of the man’s arm.

Ripped Jeans opened his mouth wide to scream out in pain, but before any sound escaped, Feitan had instantly ripped out his tongue. Blood spewed all over them both from the man’s gaping mouth. Garbling and gurgling, choking on his own blood, he stared in shocked disbelief at Feitan.

Feitan laughed loud and wild, cupping his hands under the man’s mouth to catch some blood, and then smearing it on his own pale face, sucking it off his fingers with glee. He returned his claws to the man’s already shredded arms and peeled away more skin. Ripped Jeans fell completely on his back, now straddled by the tiny monster who was slowly but surely tearing him apart.

“Will you drown? I wonder.” Fei leaned close to the other’s face, watching intently as the life was slowly leaving his frantic eyes. “Are you scared?” then very low, very close to his ear, “Does it hurt?”

From a couple yards away, Phinks stood horrified. He’d never seen Feitan this way. Couldn’t have even imagined it before. ‘Is this what he’s like when he interrogates people?’ Fei’s shrill, psychotic laughter rang in his ears and he shifted uncomfortably, slightly turned on, but mostly nervous wondering how he was going to deal with this. ‘Do we just go home and pretend everything is normal, because what the fuck?’

It was obvious that the brute was dead. Feitan was still crouched on top of his chest, licking clean stripes on the face that was frozen in terror. Then, Fei shot back up to his feet and adjusted his scarf back around his face, then turned to regard Phinks with calm eyes.

“You want dessert?” the smaller man asked.

Wordlessly, Phinks nodded and they went to get ice cream cones before trekking back home. Neither mentioned the incident.

___

Phinks had always pictured himself as being a little bit older than Feitan, but every so often he wondered if that was really true. Maybe it had to do with the way Fei talked, or his diminutive size, or the way his blanket dragged behind him when he was toddling sleepily to bed. It was easy to think of himself as the big almost-grown man with the chest hair and the deep voice, especially when he compared the two of them.

But sometimes, Feitan would say or do something that made Phinks realize that they were nowhere near the same age, at least mentally. Feitan was decades ahead. He’d had experience. He’d killed who knows how many people? And how many people had Phinks killed, maybe a dozen? And only when Chrollo had instructed, never just because he felt the urge. But Fei had urges.

He was a natural sadist. Phinks had actually started paying attention when his friend brought someone back to their house. Before, he had tried to ignore anything and everything they might have been doing, mostly because it stirred a tiny but insistent green-eyed monster inside him to wake up. Jealousy wasn’t a good look on him. He shouldn’t care who Fei brought home, or how he spent his time. Whatever.

But one night, the screams grew too loud to ignore. His headphones couldn’t even drown them out anymore. ‘That’s it,’ he thought angrily, getting to his feet and marching to the bedroom they had walled off so Fei could have his own private space. He hammered on the door.

The screams subsided to pitiful sobbing and a metal instrument clattered to the floor. “What?” Feitan’s voice called.

“Hey man, can you turn it down a couple notches? I can’t hear myself think out here!”

The door opened slowly in front of him and Fei appeared, shirtless, absolutely covered in blood. He smirked up at the blond. “Think what? You don’t think.”

Phinks scowled. “You don’t have to be mean.”

“Don’t be dumb. Come play.”

A tiny bit curious, Phinks looked over Fei’s head into the room. It was dark except for a single bulb hanging from the center of the ceiling. There was a body tied to a wooden chair. They weren’t moving, just quietly crying.

“What ah… what are you doing in there, anyway?” Nervously, Phinks rubbed the back of his neck, focusing his attention back on Feitan, who looked for all the world like they were having a conversation about the weather.

“Fun stuff. Come on. I show you.”

“Are you interrogating?”

Feitan snorted. “Not this time.” He turned to walk back inside, leaving the door open so Phinks could follow.

And he did follow, his curiosity winning out against all his other smarter senses. He knew he was supposed to be looking at the person tied to the chair so he could learn stuff, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away from Feitan. The other boy was truly in his element. He had a small table on wheels that had spread out meticulously on top all sorts of small knives, clamps, saws, even a hammer. There was wire and needles.

“What’s the spoon for?” Phinks asked, reaching for it. It was shaped like a spoon, but the edges were jagged. It hadn’t been used yet today, still shiny and clean.

“Scoop out eye,” Fei murmured, slowly ripping the tied victim’s fingernails off, a breathless little laugh escaping him as the shrieking started up again. “This one has good lungs. Scream so much!”

Phinks finally spared a look at the person tied to the chair. Despite all the screaming, they weren’t nearly as fucked up as he’d imagined they would be at this point, especially with how covered in blood Feitan was. Where had all the blood even come from? He was still holding the spoon in his hand, twirling it in his fingers as if it was a pencil. The bound person appeared to be male, and older. He was sobbing hysterically, eyes clenched shut against the pain.

“Tch, told you to keep eyes open,” said Fei in an annoyed tone. He gripped the man’s chin and squeezed hard, squishing his cheeks and mouth. “Open up. Now.”

But he wouldn’t open his eyes. All he did was cry and try to shake his head no.

Feitan sighed and took a strip of masking tape from his table. He stuck four sewing needles to the sticky side of the tape, then pried the victim’s eyes open with his fingers. He stuck the tape with the needles facing up, directly underneath his eye, positioned so that if he blinked at all, his eyelid would be skewered.

But it was instinctual and the man couldn’t help but flutter his eyelids. The needles sank into the thin, tender skin and he cried out desperately to take it away, make it stop.

Feitan then held his hand out to Phinks. “Perfect time to show you. Or should we wait a while? See how long he keep eyes open.”

Phinks looked at the man, then at Feitan, then at the spoon he was holding, feeling a wild mix of emotions. He had never done this before. But Feitan wasn’t even doing this for a good reason. It was different when it was an enemy and you had to get answers out of them. But this was just Fei having fun at some poor random person’s expense, and Phinks wasn’t sure how to feel about it. He didn’t share his friend’s eccentric hobbies, and was very willing to turn a blind eye (he snorted a little huff of a laugh at the pun) but now that he was directly involved…

Feitan shook his hand for the instrument, growing impatient. “Well? You decide?”

“Yeah,” Phinks replied gruffly. He had decided. His friend was unhinged, but he liked Feitan. Liked him a lot. He wanted to impress him, so he kept hold of the jagged spoon. “I want to try it.”

Fei turned his head sharply to look up at the blond. A huge grin stretched across his face. “It’s like scooping ice cream. Shove in and turn.”

Phinks leaned down toward the man, who had succumbed to complete panic. He was thrashing as much as he could manage while being strapped so tightly to the chair. All the screaming was definitely beginning to make Phinks’ head ache a little bit. He really wasn’t sure what Feitan enjoyed so much about this… It was loud and messy and took way too much time. Phinks had always been a swift killer: quick snap of the neck, and done. No sounds, no mess. That was how he liked it. But this was on the opposite end of the spectrum as far as killing someone was concerned.

Fei stood behind the bound man and gripped his head to keep it still, staring at Phinks with what could only be described as adoration. Practically heart eyes. Phinks took a deep breath and shoved the spoon in. It went without too much obstruction, the sharp edges really doing a great job to cut through the soft inner tissue. He thought he might go deaf from the screaming that at this point was feeling like an assault to his ears. He had a brief moment of terrifying clarity, that he had come and knocked on Feitan’s door to get the screaming to stop, and now here he was… causing it himself. He felt very calm as he ran the spoon around the sides of the man’s eye, then digging back to sever the whatever was left holding it. It popped right out and went splat on the floor at his feet.

Phinks looked down at the eye, then at the man who had finally passed out. Then at Feitan, who looked ready to burst with excitement. He surprisingly didn’t feel much.

“Man, my ears are ringing. How do you do this all day?”

But Fei ignored him, saying instead, “So good! Made him faint, hahaha!” The smaller man took out an electrical prod and zapped the man in the chest, shocking him awake again.

“How long are you gonna keep him alive like this?” Phinks didn’t particularly care, he was fairly indifferent to people dying. People died every day, it really wasn’t a big deal, but he sincerely wanted to better understand his friend and why Feitan did the things he did.

Feitan gave that dangerous, carnal grin again. “‘Til I am satisfied.”


	4. Chapter Four

Something had changed in the dynamic of their friendship, and Phinks could almost pinpoint the exact moment that it had. It hadn't been the handjob, or the bookshelf. They had shared countless days together, just enjoying being in the other's company. It felt nice to the both of them just to have someone in their space. To not have to feel so alone.

But recently, Feitan had started to withdraw. And Phinks was entirely convinced that it had been because of the spoon incident.

He had made the wrong choice, that was all. He felt so stupid. All he'd wanted to do was to impress Feitan, and he swore he thought he had! That look Fei had given him after he'd plucked the eye out of that guy… he swore it was positive. Fei had definitely been happy. Proud, even. So Phinks couldn't wrap his head around why the other boy would be pulling away now. What had he done wrong?

'Should have never knocked on that fucking door,' he thought sadly to himself, drinking a beer in his favorite armchair. 'What he does in there is none of my business. Especially now that I know he's not sleeping with someone new every night.' And why was that such a relief to him? That he would honestly prefer to see Fei rip another person to literal shreds than to see him love someone else? What kind of sick game was his mind playing on him, anyway?

"God, I am so fucked up," he muttered, raking a hand down his face.

It had been two days since he'd last seen his friend. The house felt empty without his moody sighing, without the scrape of him sharpening his blades, and without the gentle sound of his fingers flipping through a book. He felt terrible for ever thinking Feitan was being too loud in his room. He would have happily listened to someone scream bloody murder into the early morning if it meant that Feitan was back home where he belonged.

He had moved to sprawl out in the Papasan couch that they both seemed to avoid these days, thinking back to the last time they'd laid together on it. It was very late at night and Fei was still gone. When he thought of those small hands that held so much power, remembering how cold they’d felt when they first wrapped around his cock… he looked guiltily at the door as if he expected Fei to barge in right at that moment. All was quiet. He sighed and reached his hand down the front of his joggers.

___

Meanwhile, Feitan had tracked down Chrollo and the two of them were sitting at the very top of a skyscraper. Feitan enjoyed high up places and being able to look down at the world this way. ‘Because you’re short,’ Chrollo had joked at his admission as they ran full speed up the stairs to the top. Fei had just scoffed because it was probably true.

They were too high up to make out much details of what was going on down below, but that was fine. Feitan needed to talk to someone, and Chrollo was the only other person in the world that he trusted. Especially with something this weird and embarrassing.

“Tell me what happened,” Chrollo said gently after they had sat for nearly an hour without Feitan saying a word.

Fei immediately blushed and Chrollo raised his eyebrow.

“Problem with Phinks.”

Chrollo steepled his fingers thoughtfully. “Yes, I had deduced as much. Tell me what happened.” He was nothing if not patient, particularly so with Feitan, who held a special place in his heart. The smaller boy had never been especially tuned with his own emotions, so Chrollo expected this should be a long, uncomfortable night for the both of them.

It was clear Feitan had no idea how to articulate himself. His face looked scrunched and constipated.

“Okay, it’s fine. Just relax, you’re too tense.” Chrollo smiled his warm, easy-going smile and rubbed his friend’s back. “Take a deep breath and let’s start with why you decided to stay together when I asked the Troupe to disband.” There was a subtle underlying… something to his words that Feitan instantly picked up on. A slight change in tone that made it clear he wasn’t pleased with their disobedience.

“Had nowhere special to go,” he murmured, suddenly uncomfortable with the way Chrollo was touching him.

Chrollo pulled his hand back instantly, as if reading his mind. “So did you two choose to stay in the factory?”

“Yeah. Fixed it up. Have own room. Bookshelf.”

“A bookshelf, really?” Chrollo’s smile was back. “I’m glad that you’re reading again. Do you feel that it’s helped you gain confidence with your speech?”

Fei shrugged. “Not very.”

“Hm. I think it’s a habit at this point.” He laughed a little. “So you and Phinks are living together in the old hideout, where you’ve made it into a cozy little home with your own bedroom and a bookshelf. Forgive me, my dearest friend, but that doesn’t sound like the sort of problem you’d come tracking me down over.”

“That is not the problem. Problem is Phinks!” Feitan’s voice got a little louder. “He… I feel…” Anguished, he slammed his fist down on the cement ledge they were sitting on. “Feel funny!” he finally shouted.

Blinking mildly at the strange outburst, Chrollo only nodded. “Please, continue.”

“Don’t know how!”

“Well start by telling me about the first time Phinks made you feel funny. Do you think you can do that? Can you remember?”

Fei had his lips pursed, pouting a little. “Yeah. When we met first time.”

“Oh? What happened?”

“Nothing. That was first time.”

Neither of them spoke for a long moment, then Chrollo laughed out loud, giving his friend an affectionate look. “Feitan.”

“Funny like the wine,” groaned Fei, pulling the high neck of his poncho entirely over his face.

Chrollo was still laughing. How could someone be so precious? He distinctly remembered the instance Fei was referencing. “Listen, I’m not sure the wine was fully responsible for your reaction, Fei. Sometimes, when something special happens that you enjoy, your body gets aroused. Is that what you’re talking about? Arousal?”

Feitan shrugged his shoulders hopelessly.

“So you don’t know the name for what you’ve been feeling. That’s okay. Can you show me where you feel it the most?”

Hesitating, face still hidden, Feitan placed one hand over the middle of his chest, and the other hand against his crotch.

“Ah. Well it’s simple.”

When he peeked over the top of his poncho, Chrollo was grinning at him. “That just means you’re in love. Congratulations!”

Fei frowned, feeling like he’d just been punched in the face. In love? Love? That couldn’t be possible, could it?

“Cheer up, Feitan, it’s a good thing. I promise. Hey, look at me.” He grasped the smaller boy’s face and tilted it up so their eyes would meet. “I promise you that this is a good thing. Do you trust me?”

Pouting again, Fei huffed. “Yeah.”

“Something special must have happened to make it upset you this much, huh? What did Phinks do that made you realize you loved him?”

Feitan was tomato red at this point. He turned away shyly, no longer able to withstand the eye contact. “I was hurting someone. Phinks got mad. ‘Too loud!’ he said. I said come see, will teach you, and he did. I… er. He had serrated spoon. Said ‘What’s this for?’ and I say scoop eyeball. And… and, uh...”

Chrollo was leaning close to him, captivated. “He didn’t!” he whispered loudly.

“Yeah, he scooped it.”

“Who knew Phinks had it in him to legitimately torture someone? Wow. Did he get it all the way out?”

Feitan shivered a little, remembering. “Yeah. Whole thing, plop! Guy passed out.”

“Oh, wow. Well, I certainly understand now. It’s nothing to be upset about, Fei. You’re only human.”

Feitan was finally starting to relax some. He looked at his boss with a small frown. “What do I do? What does love mean?”

“That’s a little trickier to explain. You can’t truly understand or appreciate it until you’ve felt it for yourself. And it hurts you, doesn’t it? That’s why you came to me. Don’t ever make the mistake of believing that love doesn’t hurt. It is excruciating. I bet you were never even aware you had a heart until you felt it clench at the thought of Phinks.” Chrollo reached out and placed his hand on Feitan’s chest. “It’s the most exceptional pain you will ever feel. Trust me. Embrace it.” He got to his feet suddenly, standing with his toes at the edge of the precipice. He stretched out his arms and inhaled deeply, closing his eyes.

Feitan looked up at him, always secretly enjoying when he got this way.

“You get to decide what your love means. Will it remain a love between two friends? Will it morph to the love between brothers, unbreakable and everlasting, as the love between you and I has always been? Or do you desire something more? Do you even know what it is you want?”

“I don’t… I don’t think I know,” Fei whispered, almost to himself. “What’s more?”

Chrollo hopped off the ledge and stood directly in front of his friend, who was still sitting. They were eye level with each other now. “Feitan, what do you know about sex?”

“Nothing,” the boy answered honestly.

“I suspect that what you’re feeling for Phinks is sexual attraction, but it’s difficult to be one hundred percent sure because of how confused you are about your own feelings. If you’re getting erections around him, though, that’s a fairly good indicator…” He smiled gently and placed his hands on Feitan’s knees, startling the boy. “Have you been intimate with him at all yet?”

Feitan scrunched his eyebrows, trying to think. Trying to remember the word ‘intimate’ and what it meant, but with Chrollo touching him now, he couldn’t will his brain to work. “What is intimate?” he asked shyly, feeling like he should know this one.

“Intimate is like how we are right now… how I’m touching you. I’m in your space. If I moved just a little…” he leaned closer so that his face was side by side with Fei’s. He nuzzled the side of Feitan’s neck with his nose, laughing a little when the smaller boy huffed and tried to pull away.

“Don’t play with me,” grumped Feitan, pulling his poncho up higher to hide.

“You’ve always been so ticklish. It’s very charming.” Chrollo pulled back enough so that he could look at the other boy’s face. “To be intimate is to be close. It can also mean sex. All these things add up to what love is, and they’re all very important. ...Are you listening to me?” Feitan’s eyes were faraway, looking off somewhere behind Chrollo. A little miffed, Chrollo grasped Fei’s chin and leaned forward, giving him a slow, long kiss on the lips.

“Has he done this with you?” whispered the Troupe leader in a low voice, going in for another gentle kiss. “What are you thinking about?”

“Think I wanna go home,” Feitan said quietly, looking down at the ground. He hadn’t responded to the sweet kisses, hadn’t returned them or pulled away. He just sat there, not knowing what to do.

Chrollo hummed and pulled away. “That’s it, then. Do you understand your feelings a little better now? The different kinds of love? How did you feel when I kissed you?”

“Felt nice, but… but wrong.” Fei absentmindedly wiped his mouth.

“You said that you trust me. I need you to do what I’m about to tell you, do you understand? Go home to Phinks. Apologize for leaving the way you did, and then I want you to kiss him. And see if it feels different to you. If it feels right, then do what feels right… touch him, explore him. Let him touch you. It will be so beautiful, Fei, but you have to allow yourself to feel it.”

Feitan finally looked back into Chrollo’s eyes. “What if he don’t want me?”

“That’s such an impossibility that I refuse to even entertain the thought.”

“Oh…”

“Go on, go home.” Chrollo helped his small friend hop down off the wall and pulled him into a tight embrace. He held him for a long moment, petting his hair, running his hand down the side of his face and raising his eyes up to his one more time. “And thank you for coming to me, Feitan. And for trusting me. It means more to me than you will ever understand, and I hope I’ve been of service to you.”

“Uh…” Feitan was blushing. “Yeah. Good talk. Thanks, boss.” He turned to start descending the stairs, pausing only for the briefest moment as if he expected Chrollo to do or say something else. But Chrollo had already turned away from him and back to the night sky.

___

_Love’s the devil counting teardrops in the rain  
To the sound of a chalkboard symphony played with nails  
For what it’s worth, I don’t wanna see you hurt  
Anymore than you have to_

_Dine on glass, wine on blood  
Baby, love the hard way  
Baudelaire, in Braille  
Baby, love the harder way_  
-"Love, The Hardest Way," by HIM


	5. Chapter Five

_Lo and behold, baby  
These are the things you make me do  
Katherine wheel, I’m burning for you  
Please don’t stop until my heart no longer screams  
Katherine wheel_

_Come on and break me a limb at a time  
Wrap me around your spokes so tight  
There’s no letting go  
Spin me around to blur the line  
Between you and I  
What are you waiting for?_

_I twist and turn; your arms swirl  
The dizzier I get, the clearer I see  
With you, I’m at peace with the war within_  
“Katherine Wheel” by HIM

Feitan found himself in no real rush to go home. He was replaying all that Chrollo had said to him, trying to sort through all that he was feeling. He wasn’t sure he’d ever felt fear before in his life, but this tingly nervousness… was it fear? Dread, maybe? Because while Chrollo had been confident enough to not _entertain the thought_ of Phinks not returning his feelings, Feitan felt no such self-assuredness.

It was stressful. Because right now, everything was fine. They were best friends sharing a space, just being normal. And he wasn’t sure he wanted to risk upsetting that, possibly even destroying it entirely. But the boss had said… and he’d been so sure, too. Chrollo knew everything. He suddenly felt stupid for even thinking so hard about it. Chrollo had never, ever steered him wrong. He’d never been incorrect about something, never given bad advice, never given bad instructions. ‘I’ll do it,’ Feitan announced strongly in his head, with a firmly resolved nod, as he saw home in the distance.

He entered soundlessly and listened. The lights were dim and it was quiet. He found Phinks snoring loudly on the Papasan couch with one hand still stuck down his pants. Fei snorted a small laugh and went to get cleaned up after his trip.

___

The next morning, Phinks woke up to the smell of freshly brewed coffee. He sat up abruptly, too fast for the poor old couch, that toppled over off its stand from the force of his weight. He let out a yell, falling back into the cushion basket that was now rocking back and forth on the floor. He tried to get up, but he was stuck. Half-awake and confused, he laid back down and suddenly became aware of Feitan looking at him judgmentally from the kitchen area, eyebrow raised.

“Hey buddy, welcome back!” shouted Phinks happily, trying once more to get out of the cushion basket, but it only rocked on its rounded back. He couldn’t manage to get his feet under himself on the floor.

Feitan sighed with a fond smile and shook his head. He walked over and offered his hand to his friend, yanking him effortlessly to his feet.

“Heh, thanks, I uh- I wish I could say that’s the first time that’s happened, haha.”

Feitan just smiled a little and went to sit at the table with his cup of coffee. Phinks joined him. They sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes before Phinks couldn’t help himself.

“So where’d you go?”

Feitan gave a non-committed shrug. “Needed to talk to boss.”

A little concerned now, Phinks frowned. “Boss? Why? What happened?”

“Nothing bad.” The dark haired boy sipped his coffee. “Had a problem… He helped, I guess.”

“...You guess?”

“Yeah. Don’t know yet.”

Getting more and more anxious, Phinks tapped his fingers on the table. “I mean, are you gonna tell me what happened, or…”

Feitan stared at him. Phinks was staring intently at his coffee cup, feeling embarrassed for being so insistent about asking what had happened. Was it really his business? He had been worried, sure, but Feitan didn’t seem too keen on giving him any kind of information. Was he stepping out of line? Phinks raised his eyes to look at his friend and the cup slipped out of his hand, clanging on the table and nearly spilling coffee everywhere. He hadn’t expected Feitan to be staring so intensely at him.

“Wha… what’s with that look?”

Communication was not Feitan’s strong suit. He was frowning. “Need to do something. Not sure how.”

Phinks had never seen his friend hesitate about anything before, and he was very uncomfortable about it. “What do you mean? Is this about a mission? Don’t worry about it, okay? We’ll figure it out.”

“We’ll figure it out,” Fei repeated quietly, mostly to himself. “Yeah.” He took another long drink of coffee and offered Phinks a small smile. “Yeah, you’re right. Sorry about leaving… with not saying bye. I was in a hurry.”

It felt as if a great weight had been lifted off Phinks when he saw Fei smile. He let out a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair, smiling himself. “Hey, don’t worry about it! I knew it must have been something important for you to just disappear like that, but as long as you’re okay, then whatever. Doesn’t matter. It’s funny though, you remember when I got so mad about the screaming that one time? Can you believe I felt like I missed it last night? Haha, it was dumb.” He was babbling and he knew it, but Fei was looking at him with a fond expression and for some reason, he just couldn’t stop talking. “I guess maybe I just missed you.”

“Wasn’t gone long,” Fei muttered shyly, looking down.

Phinks blushed. “Yeah, uh. Guess I just got used to having you here. Forgot what it’s like to be alone.”

Feitan felt something hurting in his chest and he frowned. It was one of the feelings he had tried to describe to Chrollo. A deep ache that he couldn’t explain, and it had been triggered by Phinks’ words. He looked up again at his friend and asked, “Do you feel… here?” he placed his hand on his own chest. “Hurt here, sometimes?”

“Hurt? You mean like heartburn? Maybe you ate something that didn’t agree with you.” Phinks got to his feet and went to rummage through the box where he kept medicine. “I think I have some Rolaids, hang on.”

“Heartburn?” Fei perked up a little. Was it a burn, though? “No, not burn. More like ache.”

Phinks looked back at him. “A heart… ache?” He closed the box and turned around. “But why?” He furrowed his brows, frowning deeply, thinking hard, after his question received no answer. What could cause his friend heartache, other than _Chrollo_? He’d just come back from an impromptu, secret meeting with their boss and now he was talking about heartache? What other explanation could there possibly be?

He went to sit down in his armchair with a deep sigh, folding his arms behind his head thoughtfully. “I wish you had told me how you felt. We could have done something about it.”

Feitan’s head jerked in his direction. “What?” he whispered breathlessly.

“I mean, I had kind of figured you felt that way, but I wasn’t completely sure. I was worried, just because of the power imbalance. I didn’t want you getting taken advantage of.”

“What you talking about?” Feitan demanded, a little angry, a lot confused.

Phinks looked at him, also confused now. “What do you mean? You’ve known Chrollo forever, and he’s a great guy. Who wouldn’t want to be with him? I’m just sorry that he hurt you. If you’d have told me how you felt, we could have gone about it a little better, you know? Formed a game plan. Because believe it or not, I know some stuff about relationships!”

“The fuck you talking about?” Feitan stomped over to where his friend was sitting and stood directly in front of him. They were practically eye-level. “I don’t want to be with Chrollo. Why you think that?”

“What? Well you… I mean, you…” Phinks was a little nervous with the anger radiating off the small boy. “I-I thought you liked him. I mean he’s really affectionate with you, so it’s not hard to imagine…”

“Don’t imagine that,” growled Fei.

“So you didn’t…?”

“Didn’t what? I had problem, he try to help fix it. That’s why I went to him.”

“You still haven’t even told me what was wrong! I thought we were friends.”

Fei’s eyes flashed dangerously and Phinks instantly regretted his words. He tried to stand up, thinking maybe it was a good idea to go for a walk and let the other boy cool off some, but Feitan pushed him firmly back down onto the chair, and then climbed onto his lap.

“Idiot,” spat Feitan, and he pressed a fast, dry, hard kiss to his mouth.

He sat back slightly and searched Phinks’ face as if demanding an answer to an unspoken, desperately pleaded question. Phinks just sat there dumbly, bringing one hand up to absently touch his own mouth. Feitan frowned and took Phinks’ face in his cold little hands, leaning forward and kissing him again, this time much slower and gentler. His eyes slipped shut, feeling Phinks’ hot breath puff against his face.

Phinks’ arms crept around his friend’s back, pulling him into a close hug, pressing their chests together.

Feitan had never done this before, he was being driven strictly by instinct when he prodded Phinks’ mouth hesitantly with his tongue. Phinks’ lips parted instantly and their kiss deepened, tongues sliding against one another, wet and hot. Phinks hands were shaking a little as they ran up and down Fei’s back, his fingers coming up to curl in the boy’s hair.

‘This is it!’ Fei thought deliriously. It was different than when Chrollo had kissed him. It was all different. ‘It must be true, then.’ He pulled back from the blond, cheeks flushed, lips swollen. “I love you,” he said in a quiet voice, heavy with resolve. “Did not know the name… of the feeling. But now I know.”

“Love?” rasped Phinks stupidly. “You do?” He was having a really hard time concentrating on any kind of speech, his blood being pulled rapidly in two different directions.

“Chrollo said…” Fei was rocking his hips against the blond, his erection digging into Phinks’ lower belly. “Said when funny feeling is here,” he pressed a hand to Phinks’ heart, “And here,” and then to his cock that was straining against his pants and pressing insistently against Feitan’s behind, “That it means love.”

“Yeah… huh, yeah, that makes a lot of sense,” mumbled Phinks, already dizzy with desire. "I uh, god you know I feel the same way about you, Fei. Always have." His hands felt huge as he ran them over Feitan’s slender back, up his sides, gently stroked the sides of his face. He brought their mouths together again, kissing Feitan deeply, a low groan rumbling in his throat as he felt Fei pushing forward against his stomach desperately for friction.

He brought his hands under Fei’s behind to get a hold of him and got to his feet, his heart feeling a tug when Feitan wrapped his legs around him. He deposited the noirette on the bed and let his fingers explore up under Fei’s shirt, touching smooth, warm skin for the first time.

Meanwhile, Fei was intensely ticklish, and though he tried to hide it, he couldn’t stop the choked giggle that escaped his mouth when Phinks touched his sides without the protective barrier of clothing. Phinks paused suddenly and their eyes met.

‘Oh no,’ thought Feitan.

A huge grin stretched across Phinks’ face. “So that’s how it is, huh?”

“Don’t,” said Feitan, grabbing for Phinks’ hands, but the blond swatted him away and began tickling him relentlessly. “Stop! Stop! Fuckkk hahaha!” Feitan kicked his legs, flailing wildly, trying in vain to grasp Phinks’ hands still, but he couldn’t manage.

“I had no idea you were ticklish! This changes everything!” Phinks was laughing, holding Feitan down.

“Changes nothing,” gasped Fei desperately, unable to buck the other boy off or offer much in the way of retaliation at all.

Somehow, with all the flailing and movement, Feitan’s shirt had ridden up nearly to his chest and when Phinks laid eyes on the pale skin, he abruptly stopped his onslaught and laid his hands still, flat on Fei’s torso. His thumbs crept under the shirt, pulling it off. Reverently, he pressed his lips to Fei’s chest, kissing up to his throat and pulling the soft flesh between his teeth.

Feitan was gasping, his neck terribly sensitive. He arched his hips up but had nothing to rub against as Phinks was crouched over top of him. He huffed impatiently.

“Shh,” Phinks whispered in his ear, sucking the earlobe into his mouth, enjoying all the little sounds his friend was making. Feitan had always been very emotive, be it with his anger, or his excitement, or his pleasure when he tortured, and Phinks was happy to see that it was no different in this aspect. The boy was practically a tiny bundle of trembles and moans and gasps.

He kissed down Feitan’s chest slowly, dragging his tongue along the perfectly sculpted abs and dipping wetly into his belly button, earning himself a smack from the smaller boy who had squealed with how ticklish that place was. Phinks just grinned and ran his fingertips along the top of his pants.

“Don’t be a tease,” Fei grumbled, pushing at Phinks’ head insistently.

“What’s the rush?” Kissing Feitan’s belly, he said softly, “I’ve waited years for this, so you’ll have to forgive me if I want to take just a little more time.”

Fei’s chest tightened. “Y-years?” he gasped, but Phinks had suddenly tugged down his pants and pulled them off, leaving him entirely exposed before his dark eyes. Feitan couldn’t stop the blush that crept over him at being looked at this way. He put his hands over his face shyly.

Phinks pulled Fei’s hands away from his face. “Hey, don’t do that,” he said lowly, and leaned down for a kiss. Their lips slid together, tongues hungrily lapping at the other’s mouth and Phinks crept a hand down between Feitan’s legs where he softly gripped his erection.

The boy arched into his touch with a moan.

“Does that feel good?” Phinks whispered gruffly in Fei’s ear, stroking very slowly.

“Mm… mmhmm.”

“I’ll bet you want more, don’t you?” Phinks sank down between Fei’s legs and admired the view for a moment, still barely touching him. Feitan was writhing impatiently.

“More!” the smaller boy cried.

“Okay, okay.” Kissing the inside of his thigh, his tongue ran a strip upwards, over his smooth balls and up the length of his cock, before popping the head into his mouth. He sucked him in, swirling his tongue, having absolutely no idea what he was doing. But Feitan was responding in what seemed to be a positive way, so he kept doing it.

He slid his hands up to rub circles on Fei’s hips, stroking the jutting hip bones with his thumbs. Fei was wiggling, unable to keep still with the pleasure tingling through him. He was gasping, hands fisted tightly in Phinks’ hair, pushing him down harder on his cock til Phinks’ nose was pressed against his pubic hair. His toes were curling. His back was arching. Phinks was sucking sloppily on his dick now, drool dripping out from the corners of his mouth. It was hard to focus with the sounds Feitan was making and the way his body was writhing beneath him. The blond grunted, reaching down to pull at his own cock some, needing to relieve just a little bit of the tension.

Every nerve in Feitan’s body was wound tight as a spring. His thighs trembled, heat coiling in his gut, heartbeat crashing in his ears like a drumbeat.

“Phinks!” he cried desperately, digging his heels into the bed and arching against Phinks’ face, shudders wracking his body as he keened and released into the blond’s mouth. His claws had accidentally come out, but Phinks didn’t seem too concerned, swallowing up all that Fei had given him.

“Roll over,” Phinks growled suddenly in a voice he hardly recognized as his own, patting Fei’s side. The smaller boy, sated and compliant, rolled onto his stomach, snuggling his face down into his arms. Phinks was breathing heavy, eyes devouring the body beneath him. He pressed Feitan’s legs together and began licking him right beneath his asscheeks, getting it very wet. He slicked up his cock with more spit and slid in between his friend’s legs. He fucked the soft, tight, wet space he’d created brutally, pressing Feitan’s face into the bed. Feitan was crying out softly, sounds muffled by the blankets, but it only served to egg Phinks on.

“Fuck, you feel so good,” Phinks groaned, leaning down to bite the side of Feitan’s neck. “You love me, huh? You love me doing this to you?” At Fei’s high-pitched cry, Phinks’ hips slammed down hard and he felt himself coming between Feitan’s legs, cock head nuzzled right beneath Fei’s balls, twitching as he rode the waves of his orgasm. “Mmm,” he groaned, falling heavily on top of the other boy.

Feitan squirmed, entirely squished. “Get off!” he fussed, “Can’t breathe! Big idiot!”

Phinks rolled to the side, pulling Feitan to his chest possessively. They were both sweaty and Feitan was feeling very uncomfortable and sticky between his legs, but Phinks at least didn’t care. He cradled the smaller boy to him, placing tender kisses on his face.

“Fei, you’re amazing. I… god, you’re amazing.” He stroked his cheek affectionately. “Was that… uh, was that okay?”

Feitan hummed softly. “Was okay.” He was suddenly very aware that he was completely naked, while Phinks was still fully dressed. “Need bath.” He opened his legs and looked down at the mess. “You have to clean. Your mess.” One side of his mouth twitched up a little.

“I guess you’re not wrong, huh!” Phinks sighed and threw the other boy over his shoulder, ignoring the angry griping his actions earned him. “Look, if you didn’t want to be carried around like a kid, you should have grown a little more,” he said, laughing, as he turned the hot water on and got the tub ready. He pinched Feitan’s thighs playfully while they waited for the tub to fill, then set the boy down in the water.

Feitan sank up to his neck in the water, still scowling a little from being treated like a kid.

“Don’t pout,” said Phinks, pulling him back up and soaping up a washcloth. He washed his hair that was prone to greasiness until it was good and clean, dunked his head in the water, and had him stand up so he could wash the rest of his body. It felt so intimate, touching him this way. Almost more than what they’d just done together. Something about touching his body in this innocent way, being able to finally look at him without any repercussions… it made Phinks feel warm with happiness.

“So uh... “ Phinks was blushing a little as he helped Feitan dry off and get into clean clothes. “So what else did boss tell you, when you went to talk to him?”

Feitan had been on his way to his beanbag chair, but he stopped and turned back to Phinks. “Not much. Said I should kiss you.”

“He said that, really?”

“Mmhmm. Said I should kiss and, um… to explore.”

“He’s really great, isn’t he?” Phinks was smiling fondly, wondering when he’d be able to see the Troupe leader again, who he currently owed one hundred percent of his happiness to. “Do you still feel like… like you love me?”

Feitan shrugged. “Yeah. Don’t think that will change.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“How uh, how long have you felt that way?”

“Like you, since first day we met. Love you, since you scooped guy’s eyeball.”

Phinks let out a sudden, loud yell, “I fucking knew it! Ha!” He was laughing, almost a little hysterical. Feitan raised an eyebrow, confused.

“When you left, look I was pretty sure I had fucked up somehow, you know? And all I could think was it was the stupid eyeball thing. I just wanted you to like me! I wouldn’t normally do something like that. I don’t kill that way, you know that.”

Fei grinned. “I do know that.”

“And I guess I thought I turned you off or something,” Phinks finished, still feeling relieved.

“Thought wrong, stupid. Told you don’t think.” Feitan came up and stood on his tip toes, pulling Phinks down for a tender kiss, despite the harshness of his words. Phinks didn’t really mind; he was pretty dumb most of the time and he knew it.

Feitan went and settled down into his beanbag with a book, and Phinks went out to grab them something to eat.

When Phinks returned carrying a box of pizza with a big goofy grin on his face, Feitan felt warmth spread in his belly and he finally understood what Chrollo had been trying to explain to him all these years. Love was the best thing that had ever happened to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! ♡  
> The title of the fic is from a song I've been obsessing over and doesn't really have anything to do with the actual story, sorry for any confusion! You can reach me on [Tumblr](https://the-miss-penko.tumblr.com/) if you wanna chat or whatever~


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